I forgive myself

I am where I am because I got myself here, what was I thinking? How could I be such a fool? How did I miss the signs? I hate myself for being too trusting? I am just too weak! I am my own enemy!!

How often have you said these words to yourself, bashing yourself time and time again? I know I have said it a million times. Accepting your own faults it’s very hard, it’s like there is a person inside you that keeps reminding about your own flaws at times. Why does this person not warn you when you are about to hit the walls? It’s because we never listen to our instincts and conscious.  I can write a book of how many times my instincts have told me to go but I stayed. How many times my conscious have warned me but I ignored it. How many times I have seen the signs but chose to over looked it. How many times the voice inside me has told me to trust myself, nobody but myself but I choose to depend on others. At times one needs to walk this honest road and I am choosing to do it with you. It is scary at times to do it alone, self introspective is a ghost but needs to be faced.

One of the hardest things to do is forgiving yourself.  Others dont even know that you need to.
There is a tendency in all of us to hold ourselves more accountable than we do others. Perhaps you have been one who can justify forgiving others, even for a heinous offense, yet you find no justification for forgiving yourself for an equal or lesser offense. Perhaps you believe that forgiving yourself is not even a consideration because you think you must hold yourself in a state of constant remembrance, lest you forget. Perhaps you believe there is a price, some form of life-long penance that you must pay.

The day I realized that blaming myself does me no good except holds me back. It’s a process though and you can’t do it over night. There are many factors and reasons that results in your not being able to let go of such guilt. If you surround yourself with people who can’t be honest with you, you are in a deep end. They can watch you die and can’t save you from yourself. Honestly it isn’t their job but yours to save yourself from yourself! You need to develop a relationship with yourself. Be able to know who you are about. At times we lie to ourselves and we say we know who we are, what we stand for…sthandwa you know the gospel you sing to yourself about yourself. The next minute you turn and do the total opposite,  what happened to knowing who you are? you immediately becomes somebody you are not, then later on find yourself tied on regrets! Yes honey we all do.  This life thing unfortunately comes with lots of challenges and hiccups that throws you in all corners of the world. We find ourselves in places we never thought we would be, places we have sworn with our own mouths never to be.

When that happens, what do we do? What do I do, first thing I blame myself for it. It’s good to be honest with yourself but you have to learn to accepts the things that can’t change. It happened, yes I was a fool, I trusted my own judgment instead of the warnings but now I know to listen, to be careful and honestly I forgive myself. Let’s me say it again: Yes I should have listened to my mother when she warned me about this friend, I should have seen how selfish and conniving she was all this time and should have removed her from my life before she turned around and back stabbed me. Honestly I thought she was a good person and I forgive myself for being too giving, too trusting and foolish.  I know it seems easier said and done.  I am currently working on that myself.

I admit I am weak, forgiving others seems easier for me than to forgive myself. But I have learnt that God views forgiving as a two-way lane. In order to be forgiven you ought to be forgiving yourself.  Forgive our sins as we forgive those who sins against us…?? When you sin against yourself then what happens? You ought to forgive yourself too. Forgiving yourself sets you free from the heavy mthwalo you carry, you can’t reach your destiny in a speed you expect to run carrying baggies of regrets. You get tired, yhooo you indeed do.

The sleepless night,  the river of tears you cry of “how could I?” Lalela you have to go through that to identify your weakness but once you do, forgive and move on!! Aaibo  am I saying these words to myself? I must forgive myself and move on…..forgive myself and move on.  Forgive the girl inside you for all the naughty trips she has taken you to, yebo ngisho yena impela muxolele and move on.

You are not your past, you are not your mistakes but you are yourself. The past mistakes are the reflections of your imperfections, lessons and previous chapters of the person you used to be. Forgiving yourself is a chance to be a better person. You need to be hard and honest with yourself in order to heal, for it to never hurt again you need to rip of the bandage and forgive yourself.

I forgive myself for all my downfalls, even those I can’t share with anyone. Even those it is hard for myself to face now, I forgive myself. I forgive myself completely. I forgive myself for loving people that don’t love me. I forgivd myself for supporting people that don’t support me. I forgive myself for not trusting myself to follow my dreams at times. I forgive myself for not flying solo as I have let my broken wing define my destiny. I forgive myself for giving my precious heart to the wrong me….sadly!  I forgive myself for crippling my spirituality, ooh dadewethu for giving satan a place in my life, yabonje this brings tears to even think God has already forgiven me. I forgive myself for not reading books as I did, the fulfillment of being capacited and being locked in the author’s mind and thinking. Aaibo I forgive myself for having a child unmarried. Yeyi it’s a wok in progress and it’s not as easy as talking a walk in the park. I want to heal and be a happy self therefore I forgive myself.

I forgive myself to think that I needed the worlds permission to be myself. I forgive myself completely.

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