I forgive myself

I am where I am because I got myself here, what was I thinking? How could I be such a fool? How did I miss the signs? I hate myself for being too trusting? I am just too weak! I am my own enemy!!

How often have you said these words to yourself, bashing yourself time and time again? I know I have said it a million times. Accepting your own faults it’s very hard, it’s like there is a person inside you that keeps reminding about your own flaws at times. Why does this person not warn you when you are about to hit the walls? It’s because we never listen to our instincts and conscious.  I can write a book of how many times my instincts have told me to go but I stayed. How many times my conscious have warned me but I ignored it. How many times I have seen the signs but chose to over looked it. How many times the voice inside me has told me to trust myself, nobody but myself but I choose to depend on others. At times one needs to walk this honest road and I am choosing to do it with you. It is scary at times to do it alone, self introspective is a ghost but needs to be faced.

One of the hardest things to do is forgiving yourself.  Others dont even know that you need to.
There is a tendency in all of us to hold ourselves more accountable than we do others. Perhaps you have been one who can justify forgiving others, even for a heinous offense, yet you find no justification for forgiving yourself for an equal or lesser offense. Perhaps you believe that forgiving yourself is not even a consideration because you think you must hold yourself in a state of constant remembrance, lest you forget. Perhaps you believe there is a price, some form of life-long penance that you must pay.

The day I realized that blaming myself does me no good except holds me back. It’s a process though and you can’t do it over night. There are many factors and reasons that results in your not being able to let go of such guilt. If you surround yourself with people who can’t be honest with you, you are in a deep end. They can watch you die and can’t save you from yourself. Honestly it isn’t their job but yours to save yourself from yourself! You need to develop a relationship with yourself. Be able to know who you are about. At times we lie to ourselves and we say we know who we are, what we stand for…sthandwa you know the gospel you sing to yourself about yourself. The next minute you turn and do the total opposite,  what happened to knowing who you are? you immediately becomes somebody you are not, then later on find yourself tied on regrets! Yes honey we all do.  This life thing unfortunately comes with lots of challenges and hiccups that throws you in all corners of the world. We find ourselves in places we never thought we would be, places we have sworn with our own mouths never to be.

When that happens, what do we do? What do I do, first thing I blame myself for it. It’s good to be honest with yourself but you have to learn to accepts the things that can’t change. It happened, yes I was a fool, I trusted my own judgment instead of the warnings but now I know to listen, to be careful and honestly I forgive myself. Let’s me say it again: Yes I should have listened to my mother when she warned me about this friend, I should have seen how selfish and conniving she was all this time and should have removed her from my life before she turned around and back stabbed me. Honestly I thought she was a good person and I forgive myself for being too giving, too trusting and foolish.  I know it seems easier said and done.  I am currently working on that myself.

I admit I am weak, forgiving others seems easier for me than to forgive myself. But I have learnt that God views forgiving as a two-way lane. In order to be forgiven you ought to be forgiving yourself.  Forgive our sins as we forgive those who sins against us…?? When you sin against yourself then what happens? You ought to forgive yourself too. Forgiving yourself sets you free from the heavy mthwalo you carry, you can’t reach your destiny in a speed you expect to run carrying baggies of regrets. You get tired, yhooo you indeed do.

The sleepless night,  the river of tears you cry of “how could I?” Lalela you have to go through that to identify your weakness but once you do, forgive and move on!! Aaibo  am I saying these words to myself? I must forgive myself and move on…..forgive myself and move on.  Forgive the girl inside you for all the naughty trips she has taken you to, yebo ngisho yena impela muxolele and move on.

You are not your past, you are not your mistakes but you are yourself. The past mistakes are the reflections of your imperfections, lessons and previous chapters of the person you used to be. Forgiving yourself is a chance to be a better person. You need to be hard and honest with yourself in order to heal, for it to never hurt again you need to rip of the bandage and forgive yourself.

I forgive myself for all my downfalls, even those I can’t share with anyone. Even those it is hard for myself to face now, I forgive myself. I forgive myself completely. I forgive myself for loving people that don’t love me. I forgivd myself for supporting people that don’t support me. I forgive myself for not trusting myself to follow my dreams at times. I forgive myself for not flying solo as I have let my broken wing define my destiny. I forgive myself for giving my precious heart to the wrong me….sadly!  I forgive myself for crippling my spirituality, ooh dadewethu for giving satan a place in my life, yabonje this brings tears to even think God has already forgiven me. I forgive myself for not reading books as I did, the fulfillment of being capacited and being locked in the author’s mind and thinking. Aaibo I forgive myself for having a child unmarried. Yeyi it’s a wok in progress and it’s not as easy as talking a walk in the park. I want to heal and be a happy self therefore I forgive myself.

I forgive myself to think that I needed the worlds permission to be myself. I forgive myself completely.

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Own it: Zintokazi

Have you ever met someone and you felt like you have known her all your life. The feeling of having already experienced the present situation. When your mind lets you know that you are in a right place  at the right time. When someones’ life is a resemblance to yours or vice versa. When  your past life is that person’s present, I don’t know if I am even making sense ooh well welcome to my life. Friendship is a very strange thing, it can take a stranger and turn it to someone closer to you like family. It connects world that never existed into a perfect picture.God has a way of making you meet people who He wants you to meet at His perfect way. It’s funny how we could travel the same road each day being strangers and years after we become friends who love each other like sisters, that is God.

Imaan

Meet Imaan Pinky Sokhela, also a MRS! I hope I will be able to explain our friendship the way it is. I was at work, I got a call that there is a girl looking for me. I normally ask that people who are looking for me being given a phone so that I don’t walk down to reception to meet them. Well this case I came, she was standing there looking for a short girl (this is always her description of  me akadeleli umfazi). I don’t remember most of the details but she asked for a lift and I gave her….this is where it started. One of the things I remember is she told me she has few friends which is way opposite to me. She was very shy because she isn’t at all, okay when I am around she isn’t (giggles). Our conversations were like filling in a missing word kind of thing. We discovered we had so many things in common, what is odd and awkward to the rest of the world; is normal to our eyes. From fashion, lifestyle and type of men we  were attracted to were the same. I remember one time she was explaining what she was going through and I explained further and she asked ” Waze ngani?”. The one time I thought she was wearing my top, only to find it was hers. Half of her clothes in her closet were exactly like mine.

I told her I had dreadlocks before and I miss my  dreadlocks, I went back to my dreadlocks. We used to do each others hair, as she had dreadlocks as well. She taught me how to make accessories, we started a business of making accessories together. We discovered our parents knew each other before our existence. I discovered we played with the same kids while we were very young, we share same childhood memories yet we dont remember one another whilst young. We share the same dreams and visions. Sihlanya ngokufana, sinesbindi ngokufana. We both clumsy at times. We giggle till we fall asleep if she visits. We cry together, laugh together and mess up just the same. What is most special with this friendship is every single day, its like I havent seen her for years, we talk, laugh, dream and cry just as the first day I connected with her. I love how we both protect each other’s dreams. I will forever be grateful of the constant support I get from her. She carries my dream as if its hers. We both support each other’s businesses and we both know we are destined for bigger things….yes we love bigger things (giggles).

What matter most to you at this moment?

The most important things in my life right now includes my happiness, my family and my intellectual freedom

What are your top 5 values, are you living those values today?

  • Self-acceptance
  • Respect
  • Forgiveness
  • Optimism
  • Appreciation

What gets you excited about life?

It’s the fact that I understand that every day I get another chance, unique type of chance to be the woman who I have always wanted to be.  A woman who has passion, who is resilient, a woman who can help reignite hope and a woman who cares. 

What has the fear of failure stopped you from doing? What one step could you take today to begin overcoming that fear?

I truly believe fear steals so much from us. Fear takes always time and eats away our dreams, only bringing self-doubt. In my case I had to constantly fight with self-doubt which then prevented me from following my dreams because my mind was occupied by all the things that could go wrong. I have learnt and still learning that life is all about risks, and that’s what makes it more interesting.

What motivates you to do your best?

Its knowing that whatever good I do might help someone, that one person want to become a better human being. I am also motivated by people who love and support me, their love have pulled me through dark places where only their love was the dot of light that gave me hope and comfort.

What is your view on self-forgiveness, do you believe it necessary?

Yes definitely. I do believe that before you forgive others you first need to forgive yourself for allowing what ever happened to you to happen, for making that decision to stay. We learn from our mistakes and misfortunes. Everything starts from within. I strongly believe that a human soul cannot give what does not already exist inside them, so it is so important to go through the process of self-forgiveness which will then facilitate and make easy the process of love restoration, so that later you can be able to give nurturing and positive energy.  

What self-limiting belief have you been clinging to? How could your life be better if you banished this belief?

Belief that happiness if derived from external. Happiness is a choice that we each make. Nothing and no one can provide us with happiness. In a way I do not think I would have done anything differently as I believe that it all happens for a reason.  Every aspect of my journey I accept and acknowledge its role (lol I also know that its easier said than done).

Right now, at the very moment, what do you want most? What are you going to do about it?

Right now I want to dive into self-discovery, lots and lots of love and lastly good company and companionship (with family, friends and lover).  ooohhhhh!!! And lots of laughter!

How could you describe your future in 3 words?

  • Scary yet exciting
  • Full of positivity
  • Growth

God couldnt handle making us siblings He made us friends instead. I love you friend.

 

Be your own Cheerleader, Yeka ukuncika!

The fear of standing alone has resulted in others watching their lives pass them by. Some people don’t even realize their own face in the mirror because they live their lives based on what others think or approve. At what point of your life did you lose your own identity? What was the reason you buried your own and lived your life through the eyes of others? Why are so scared to be yourself? Why are you a chameleon,  becoming like others when you could just be yourself? Has society killed us that much that you would rather please other people than to please yourself? What is it that makes us live behind the mask? Who are these people are trying to impress that much. We have created “THEM” as superior as God, we want to impress “THEM”, we want “THEM” to love us, we want to be seen with “THEM”, we want to be accepted by “THEM”…..for what??

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I think the biggest confusion is between standing your grounds and being anti-social. Being anti-social means not fulfilling your social need, you have no friends, you are constantly lonely and sad (giggles). Standing your ground means being a part-time introvert at times,  you don’t need the approval of anyone else for that to be true. It really is a choice, you can either choose to be pushed around to live a life you don’t like but because you want to belong.It’s very easy to find someone to spend time with, but when you have high standards for the people you allow into your life, you’re telling yourself that you’re better off by yourself than with someone who isn’t a great fit for you.

I respect a person who hates me for WHO I AM than the person who loves me for WHAT I AM.

The more time you spend asking yourself for advice, the less you start to need input from others. When you trust yourself to solve problems, you become a much stronger and more confident person, and you take on challenges that you wouldn’t have felt capable of before. Be around people who believes the same philosophy as you do, it becomes easier when you are together. When you are having lunch, your share ideas that builds you, inspire you and motivate you. What are you doing with people who don’t even listen to you nor value your inputs. What are you doing with people who bash you and destroy you? What are you still doing with people who dont inspire you to be a better person. Phaphama ntokazi.I’ve always held the belief that if you aren’t able to take interest in something, it says more about you than whatever it is you find uninteresting. Everywhere you go, make an effort to understand the other people around you.  Always observe what is happening around you, this is your life after all. If being away from certain people is the key to your happiness, give those people the freedom they deserve. When you’re alone, you have an incredible opportunity to think clearly about your life and the direction you want to take it. In a world that’s often filled with noise, you’ve been given quiet. This is a time to reaffirm the path that your life is on.Are you happy and fulfilled? Should you keep doing what you’re doing? Or, are you feeling unsatisfied? Should you change something? These are questions wena can only answer when you take advantage of this gift of quiet.It’s almost impossible to feel good about your life if you don’t have some type of direction for it.The purpose for your life doesn’t need to be complex or earth shattering. It doesn’t have to be big or overwhelming. It only needs to be present. Once it’s there, it gets much easier to make plans you can take action on.Pursue these plans immediately. Don’t put them off. Don’t wait for the perfect opportunity. Perfect never comes, and the longer you wait, the harder it is to get started.

When you do this, two things happen. First, you gain a sense of confidence in yourself because you see that you’re capable of living on your own terms. Second, this confidence brings new and interesting people into your life.Being away from people who puts cracks on you is the best gift ever. If they don’t preach your gospel, let them go. Stop wasting your precious life over something that is not meant for you. Zazi ukuthi uthanda ini, ufanelwe ini.

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